Category Archives: Online Marketing

How Do Retarded People Get Jobs as Affiliate Managers?

Recently I received an email that was titled “Attractive Proposal” so I decided I would investigate further to see what this affiliate manager was offering….

Original Email:

Dear Webmaster,

My name is NAME REMOVED; I am an Account Manager at
www.Affiliateclub.com.
I find your website very attractive for our brands:
www.casinoclub-poker.com,
www.pokerkings.com

Our affiliates are getting fantastic conversion rates!

Do you want to hear more about it?

Kind regards,

NAME REMOVED

Account Manager
My response:

Hi NAME REMOVED,

I am in the process of trying to find a room to get a league going
ASAP.  Here are my requirements that I have been asking rooms for:
Hybrid CPA/Rev Share Deal
Tourmanent Prizes

Tell me a bit about your software and what you can offer.

Regards,

Graham Rowlands
GNG Media Inc.

Her reply to my email (notice how she doesn’t even READ MY FUCKING EMAIL!!!):

Dear Graham,

Thank you for your reply.
We have 2 brands with Boss Media software:

1. At www.casinoclub-poker.com – we offer 100% up to 200€ Welcome bonus ( here we can make a special promotion for you)

2. At www.pokerkings.com we offer 100% up to 300€ Welcome bonus

WE are usually working on Rev Share Deal.

What do you think about it?

Kind regards,

NAME REMOVED

My last and final response ever to Natasha:

Well NAME REMOVED, here is what I think about it…

For one, you never even gave me a proposal, but rather decided listing the standard
bonuses on your websites would get my attention.  I am not sure how that is supposed to
sell me.  I think you started this off with a great attention grabbing title to your
email, but you really need to work on the follow through.

And two, there was nothing “attractive” about it.  I get a million of these kind of
emails all the time, and this kind of junk just wastes my time.  Don’t beat around the
bush, sell your brand, tell me what I am gonna make, and give me good reasons why I
should promote your brand, over one of the competitors.

Anyway, hopefully this helps you in the future and thanks for giving me something to
write about on my blog.

Better luck in the future!

Graham

retards

Affiliate Manager Tip: Learn To Spell

Just received a nice email from good ol’ PAP and after reading the first line was turned off from reading on:

You have received a new private message at Poker Affiliate Programs – Affiliate Community for Poker Affiliates from hanford, entitled “Affiliate oppertunity“.

The email came from some crap site called Cool Hand Poker (Coolhandpoker.com) which is obviously the site of choice for the math team judging by the picture on their ugly homepage.  The site itself looks very poorly put together and the name is awful.  I guess this is what happens when people don’t want to spend more than $6.95 on their domain registration.

The rest of the email was all about the standard crappy bonuses and typical commissions.  Can’t anyone be original anymore!!!

Anyway, keep on spamming your crap site, but really its just a waste of time as there is no way I would ever promote Coolhandpoker.com.

On a side note, it seems like I have been getting a ton of spam PMs lately over there, but since I don’t go there anymore I could really care less.  Way to keep those spammers out PAP.  Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten rid of all your mods!

This Blogging Thing Is Harder Than It Seems…

So, its been ages since my last post and a lot has changed/happened.  Thanks Giorgio for the reminder that I need to get back on this thing with an update on what is going on in my life.  To celebrate this new post, I thought I would change the theme on the blog to something that I didn’t hate as much.  The old theme was really getting to me and I think I need a change.

I think part of the reason for the lack of updates, has been a lack of motivation overall from me over the past few months.  So, in an effort to combat this, I am gonna get some things off my mind in this blog post.

I, like many other affiliates I know, am falling into ‘the trap’ and becoming very lazy.  Part of the reason for this is because when I was at IBM my job was a complete joke and 95% of my time was spent sitting around doing nothing.  Funny enough, with the remaining 5% of the time when I actually worked I managed to get the highest promotion levels and reviews from my managers… go figure.  This wasn’t because I didn’t want to work, there just simply wasn’t any work to be done.  Could you imagine what they would think of me if I really busted my ass the whole time I was working putting in 100%!!!

To some people this would be the dream job, but I’ve never been like that and have always appreciated a good challenge.  In fact, this could be partly why I am getting lazy lately, because I figure if I do nothing or very little work, things will get harder for me and I will have to start busting my ass again…. WRONG!

In fact, being lazy is actually having an opposite affect and it seems that every month keeps getting even better.  I guess I am riding the fruits of my labour in the past as they are starting to pay off, but I know this won’t last forever so I really am making a strong effort to turn this bad cycle around.

I’ve tried taking vacations, breaks, getting up earlier, excessive drinking, but really nothing seems to be working.  The reality is, none of these things are gonna change anything and I am the only one that can do that.  So, going forward I am really going to make an effort to change this.  I am going to make more goals and set more targets for myself.  I think that will help.  Anyone got any suggestions on staying motivated?

Hell, I’ll do 2 back to back blog posts now to prove that I am trying to break the laziness!

Additional Shout Out / Poker Affiliate Tip

Shout out to Chris from Poker Affiliate Solutions (or PAS for short).  Chris told me tonight that he had my blog in his blog reader (Google reader is my choice) and was also hinting that I should do an upate.  I am just glad that I finally know who the other RSS reader is beside me ;)  JK… i know there are a few of you out there and appreciate that you care what I have to say.  Anyway, PAS provide services to affiliates such as the ability to create a rakeback section on your site and offer deals that you wouldn’t be able to get normally without knowing someone.  I have created a rakeback section on my site using their software and so far it has been great, though I am sure Chris is thinking it would be greater if I sent them more players ;)  They have a really cool admin back-end and it makes things really easy.  All you have to do is bring the players, so if you haven’t checked them out I recommend dropping them a line today if you are looking to offer something like this on your site.  Chris also has a blog over on PAS which is even more overdue for an update than mine!  You should get on that Chris ;)

Balling Chair / I Love Online Marketing

Today I decided to ball-out on a chair and picked up the Herman Miller Aeron.  I figure I spend enough time on my chair to justify the high price tag, and lately my back has been bothering me a bit.

Anyway, back to online marketing.  Here are some of the things I love about it:

1) You can wake up whenever you want, though I still force myself to get up early.
2) Most days I work from home for half a day then head over to Starbucks and do work from there.
3) You can go out any night of the week, and if you stay out late it just means you work a little later the next day.
4) Watching all the people working the 9-5 with their half hour lunch breaks thanking god I am not one of them.
5) Freedom to take vacations whenever you want… no more 3 weeks per year.
6) The ability to work anywhere in the world, though I have yet to take advantage of this one yet.

There are some bad things though, and it is a bit of a struggle at times.  Here are some of the negatives:
1) Keeping yourself motivated is WAY harder than I imagined.  Its so easy to get distracted and not do anything all day.
2) Accounting sucks.  Even with an accountant you have to do a lot of stuff.
3) Creativity can drop – I feel that sometimes I am not as creative as I used to be as I get caught up in day-to-day work far too often.

Anyway, just wanted to post that I am so happy I made the leap from the corporate world and left IBM.  I have heard that my old job will probably be non-existant by next year as it is being off-shored to South America.  Its really a shame that big corporations are so short sighted and if they just figured out the problems they had where they were currently located, they’d probably never have to do these things.

So to end on a positive note, life is good :)